June 2012

We walk through life day by day, waking each morning with different feelings. It's no secret that over the past 3 years, my life has been troubled. Obstacles, pain, loss haunted me. Some caused by my own means. I have learned from a lot of it. But here I sit, in a dark apartment. Only the light from my laptop screen glowing as I type this.

Lately I have been doing a lot of introspective thinking, about my life, about what it amounts to. Thinking about what really truly matters to me. It's easy to spout off material possessions that we want to own, but at the end of the day, you can't take it with you when your clock stops ticking. To be honest, the material things, the extravagances, the luxuries of life are things that never really phased me. No, when I lay my head down at night, what I want more than anything in the world is love. To have a family, to be happy.

They always say if there is something you don't like about yourself or your life it is up to you to change it. I agree with this sentiment for the most part. But the one little part of life that no one ever really can tell you about is, no matter what, there are elements that you can not ever factor in, that affect the outcome of everything.

Now I have always been one to roll with the punches for the most part. Sometimes I dig my heels in, and sometimes, I am so stubborn and bull-headed that I make things more difficult for myself than they need to be.  I recognize this, and I am foolish to think that I will never be stubborn again.

Let's take a look at my life. I go to concerts, I indulge myself with music at most times. I have some friends I keep close, and to those few you make me smile with my entire body and soul. But the number of those people seem to be diminishing. Trust is a luxury that is becoming a bit to expensive as of late. Then it hit me, to the core. I will make myself happy.

The question now, is how.