Sunday, December 29, 2013

Just a few words in parting...

I just wanted to take a moment to say a couple of things, to whomever this may apply to.

I'm sorry, if I was inconsiderate to any of you in any way. It is never my intention to be inconsiderate, actually, my actions are usually dictated by trying to be accommodating to everyone in my life, so if I have done something that has hurt you, upset you, made your life unhappy in some manner, Im sorry.

I have lost a lot in my life that matters this year, and a majority of it is attributed to my own doing (not all, but most, the personal things mainly).

You know it's funny. The one thing that has been a constant fear in my life, is a life that is lived completely alone. And I have realized that through my own actions, words, what have you, I have created for myself this exact scenario, that I feared the most. I am alone, in practically every facet.  

I'm trying to figure some things out for myself, trying to figure out how to make myself happy, and to be blunt, I simply do not know how to do it. Call me confused, call me whatever you want (some of you already have choice words about me, I'm sure, and you have every right to).

Now please don't get me wrong. I am not asking for help from anyone for this. I created this for myself, and it is up to me to get myself out of it. Somehow, I will.

I guess in some manner you could say I am under construction for now, disappearing in a way (not like this is anything new, Ive done it before for varying lengths of time). Not sure when I will be back, or if I will be back at all.

So to everyone, who I know, dont know, met, havent met, I wish you all love, laughter, success, and music.


Thursday, November 28, 2013

November 28, 2013

Today, in the US, is Thanksgiving day. It is a day to "give thanks".

As I sit here, at 6:38AM [CT] on this chilly Chicago morning, I listen to the quiet. I went out on my back porch and listened to the leaves rustle in the wind. I watched the tree limbs sway, felt the cool, crisp air on my face and began what I do every morning,  reflect.

Every morning, I take my dog outside, and I have my "quiet reflection time". Today was different, though. My Foxy is in the kennel, so it was just me. I thought about what I needed to get accomplished this morning, and because of todays holiday "theme" I began to think of what it is to truly give thanks.

In my life I have been through a lot. Happiness, success, failure, sickness, the passing of loved ones, the whole gamut of emotions someone can experience. As I sat in the cold air, I realized I am thankful for every single experience I have had. It makes me who I am today.

There are so many times in life that you hear the expression "It could be worse, you could have it much much worse" and while that is very true, I imagine there is someone out there, reflecting just as I am, thinking the same thing as I, who doesn't have a job, who doesn't make the money I make. Who doesn't have the things I have, and yet they are still thankful.

I guess what this all boils down to, is that I am thankful for everything. My family, my dog, my friends, my job, my home, my parents...I'm thankful for life. It has been the greatest teacher I have ever, and will ever have, the hardest punisher, the most entertaining show, and the most love I have ever experienced. I am thankful for every person who has been, and every person who is, a part of my life (even those who have hurt me horribly). I am thankful for music, that which drives me, and makes me feel something, anything. I am thankful for every experience, the good ones and the bad ones.

I am thankful to wake each morning, and experience this thing called "life". Every day is something different, every day is a chance to learn something new, make a new friend, build on who you are as a person, and I look forward to every day that comes my way.

And lastly, and possibly most importantly, I am thankful for you, reading this.

So today, while doing whatever you do, have a very HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

Monday, June 18, 2012

June 2012

We walk through life day by day, waking each morning with different feelings. It's no secret that over the past 3 years, my life has been troubled. Obstacles, pain, loss haunted me. Some caused by my own means. I have learned from a lot of it. But here I sit, in a dark apartment. Only the light from my laptop screen glowing as I type this.

Lately I have been doing a lot of introspective thinking, about my life, about what it amounts to. Thinking about what really truly matters to me. It's easy to spout off material possessions that we want to own, but at the end of the day, you can't take it with you when your clock stops ticking. To be honest, the material things, the extravagances, the luxuries of life are things that never really phased me. No, when I lay my head down at night, what I want more than anything in the world is love. To have a family, to be happy.

They always say if there is something you don't like about yourself or your life it is up to you to change it. I agree with this sentiment for the most part. But the one little part of life that no one ever really can tell you about is, no matter what, there are elements that you can not ever factor in, that affect the outcome of everything.

Now I have always been one to roll with the punches for the most part. Sometimes I dig my heels in, and sometimes, I am so stubborn and bull-headed that I make things more difficult for myself than they need to be.  I recognize this, and I am foolish to think that I will never be stubborn again.

Let's take a look at my life. I go to concerts, I indulge myself with music at most times. I have some friends I keep close, and to those few you make me smile with my entire body and soul. But the number of those people seem to be diminishing. Trust is a luxury that is becoming a bit to expensive as of late. Then it hit me, to the core. I will make myself happy.

The question now, is how.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Maybe it's time to take a different approach...

Ok, it's time to be honest with myself.

I've had battles with my weight most of my life. There was only one time in my life where my perseverance was paying off, I was losing weight the right way. It was back in 2002. I was not deterred from going to the gym, working out, eating right.

Then I hit a plateau at around the beginning of 2003. It still didn't stop me. I kept going.

Then my dad got sick, and passed, and for some reason, all of my emotions got in the way of everything else. I let everything get in the way of ME. Year after year, the same thing... some emotional thing would affect me, some health thing, and I would stall or make excuses. NO MORE EXCUSES.

The past couple of days, I have been noticing more aches and pains than I normally have. I actually caught myself, moving and reacting like my mom was twords the end.

WAKE UP CALL... I'm headed for an early grave if I do not do anything NOW.

I'm going to be starting a second blog. Not sure of the name yet, But I will do (hopefully) daily updates on how I am doing.

No longer am I looking for the magic pill to take off the rest of my weight. I will not be doing weight-loss surgery. I'm going to do it the way I need to do it. Exercise and watching what I eat.

The missing link that I didn't do before, I'm going to work out on the inside as well. It's time to build up my esteem, how I think about myself. MY WANTS, MY NEEDS.

When I have the new blog set up I will link to it.

Life isn't a sprint, it's a marathon.... and it's time for me to start training and going through it, not watching it pass me by.

I'd say wish me luck, but that would indicate that I don't believe in myself. But now, I actually DO believe in myself.

Talk Hard!

Monday, April 11, 2011


The radio show is going good, as far as I can tell. I have fun doing it. My co-host is insanely brilliant when it comes to his musical knowledge, and I am thankful that I am learning about different types of music from him.

I'm still looking for the new residence, Ive broadened my options to that of condo's, but its not my first choice.

I have also somewhat sunk back into a cocoon, other than the things that I *HAVE* to do.

I am going to be doing a walk raising money for finding a cure for ovarian cancer

You can donate/sponsor me here
and yes it can be anonymous.

Getting to the meaning behind the title of this little scribing. Did you ever feel like you aren't real? Like you second guess yourself? Don't get me wrong, I know everyone second guesses themselves all the time, and I am not so naive or self-important to think that I am the only one going through these feelings. I just hate when I get like this.

Im not only second guessing myself, I am second guessing everything I know. So for my friends, Im not alienating you (at least I am not trying to). And to be honest, I feel horrible about a lot of things lately.

The Tool song Stinkfist comes to mind for me lately. Check out the awesome video for it.

"It's not enough, I need more, nothing seems to satisfy-I don't want it, I just need it, to breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive"

There are so many ways that those lyrics can be interpreted. You could say its about someone who is done with their current station in life. It could also be interpreted as a love song. As for me, its purely the former.

I'm purely impatient, to the point that I am annoying even myself, and the last thing I want to do is subject anyone to that.

I just want to feel like me again

Monday, March 28, 2011

Live Baby, LIVE!

SO... the radio show is official, and while I should have posted about this a few weeks ago, I didn't...sorry.

Thursday Nights from 10 PM- 12 AM (CST) is the internet radio show I co-host, called NOTEWORTHY.

Me, along with my co-host Ivan, play some tunes, talk about show's we have seen, talk about the artists, and just have fun.

It has been seriously fun so far, and I'm still getting my "on air" legs going. But definitely give it a listen, and BE KIND... I'm new at this, so I'm bound to sound like a dork more often than not.

If you would like to tune in, there are a couple of different ways you could do it.

Go here-uicradio or you could go to live365 and search "UIC".

Talk Hard Kiddies!

Love n Rockets!

Saturday, March 12, 2011

362 days

If you would have told me a year ago, that I would have gone through what I have gone through in the past 362 days I would have laughed at you and thought you were crazy.

You warned me, a year ago today, that it wouldn't be long. I looked at you and said "Ma, don't say things like that, keep fighting, everything will be fine!"

You were taken from me that following Tuesday morning.

I will never forget that day. I woke up, feeling great, at the crack of dawn, went to the gym, was energized, and for the first time in a LONG time I was happy. Little did I know, it would also be the last time in a LONG time that I would be happy. It was 362 days ago that I heard you say "I love you" for the last time. I for some reason was the one to hear this, your last words. It was on the phone, after your doctors called me at work, telling me to get to Loyola as quickly as I could. I asked to talk to you when they called me, that was when you told me, those last words.

Nee and UA were there with you, but after that call you said no more. When I finally got to the hospital, you were already gone. All I could do was cry, hold your hand, kiss your forehead. I couldn't let go, I still cant. I looked at you and made a vow that day, to always do my best to make you proud, and every day I try to do just that.

I miss you and love you so much Mom, and while I know you're with me, I would give anything to sit and talk to you again, have another one of your hugs, or hear you laugh one more time.

Love Always,
the Baby