Sunday, January 7, 2018

Happy F'n New Year

I found this post, in a draft folder... why in the hell didnt I publish this sooner, still applies
 Rules I will be living my life by from now on.

1) Life is too short, grab it by the balls and make YOURSELF happy.
I said it, there ya go. My mother lived her life doing everything for everyone else. I would have given anything to see her treated as well by the others she did so much for. I tried to give her happiness every day. To make her smile, to let her know how beautiful she was inside and out, treating her to things, trying to make things easier on her. I saw how she struggled with things, and this makes me realize something, I'm going to start doing things to make ME happy, healthy and fruitful. If this does not agree with your agenda, so sorry, but suck it.

2) When you say "I love you" to someone, MEAN IT!
So often I hear conversations between other people, and the customary "I love you" is said at different times, almost to the point that it is thrown around casually. Have we relaxed the importance of those three little words? To one person they mean nothing, to some it means the world. After all is said and done, you cant take material things with you, all you have is memories, feelings, aches, pains and LOVE. When I tell someone I love them, I LOVE THEM, I want them to be happy, in every facet. When you tell someone you love them, do you say it to pacify them, or do you say it because you want them to know, that they are loved, more importantly, loved by you? Own your feelings, and by the by, if you don't love that person, DON'T LEAD THEM ON.

3) Don't be an ignorant asshole
If ignorance is bliss, there are a lot of people out there living the blissful life with rose colored glasses on. Walking around, nose in the air, thinking they are always right, knowing all there is to know. I'm here to tell ya a thing or two-if you don't know something, admit that you don't know it. If you want to learn about something, learn about it, but don't go through life going off of unreliable information. Gossip is just that, gossip. We all are guilty of it, myself included in that statement. While harmless in it's intent, gossip can actually hurt people. Just realize, what comes around goes around, and while today or tomorrow you are not the topic of conversation over something that you did that could have been taken out of context, the next day, you just might be.

4) Passive aggressiveness is a pussy way to deal with things, so don't do it
The one thing I hate more than ignorance, are those jackasses that are so pussy to deal with something that they play aloof, and use the stance of "ignore it and it will go away". Pull up your pampers and DEAL WITH SHIT. Call a spade a spade, DEAL WITH IT, take your lumps, because honestly, the earlier you get your lumps, the quicker and better the outcome. Don't sit there and make status updates on your iFace page or your tweaker posts (yea, I did that on purpose, don't wanna be sued, ya know) HINTING at something that is bothering you. If you're pissed about something, own it, call it out, and deal with it. Don't hide behind a computer screen or smart phone, and create drama. NOW... anyone who has read some of my own iFace updates or tweaker posts know I too have been guilty of this, but as the beginning of the post implied, I'm changing some things in my life... I wont win popularity contests, but so the F what... who cares.

5) Take at least 30 minutes a day to appreciate something simple and beautiful
Does this really need an explanation? Go for a walk, listen to the wind blow, look at the rippling surface of a body of water, TAKE IN SOME NATURE, its all around you, you could trip into it. Trust me on this one, it will calm you, it will inspire you, it will make you a bit more content.

6) Own EVERY SINGLE ONE of your emotions when you are feeling them
When you're mad, be mad, it's okay. When you're happy, BE HAPPY, it's a great feeling. When you're sad, CRY YOUR EYES OUT, it isn't going to change anyone's perception of you, and if it does in a negative way, you do not want that person in your life. Capisce?

I think that's enough for now, after all I am GirlSixx ;-)

Talk Hard Peeps, and Happy F'n New Year!


5 years... Not just a Bowie Song

Instead of rambling on, about what has happened in the last five years, I'll condense and share.

Still Single, great job, career is going seemingly well.

For those that read my last post at the end of 2013, I actually was considering suicide at that point in time. Clearly that didn't happen.  I'm fine

I've had some great moments since then, some shitty ones too, but I guess that's just life. We all go through it.

There are lots of times I'm lost. Lots of times I am searching for answers within myself, within others, anywhere I can find them really.

I find myself being an observer. Don't get me wrong I take action too, but I find myself constantly learning.

I continue to be guarded, yet wearing my heart on my sleeve. Much to my detriment.

Ive been getting to more shows again, and thank god for that. It's my passion, Music will always be my passion. Latest have been mainly rock and punk shows, so staying true to my heart. That's the thing about music, it makes me feel alive. At those times I feel lost (like I mentioned above) I find myself there.

Does anyone still follow this thing? Just curious.

Part of me wants to go and re-read my past posts, but to be honest I'm a bit terrified to do so.

I feel I'm at a significant crossroad in my life and this time I just don't know where to turn. I'm stronger than I have ever been in my life, but I can not decide whether to stay or walk away from some things.

I guess we will see, stay tuned, or don't.

Love on ya

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Just a few words in parting...

I just wanted to take a moment to say a couple of things, to whomever this may apply to.

I'm sorry, if I was inconsiderate to any of you in any way. It is never my intention to be inconsiderate, actually, my actions are usually dictated by trying to be accommodating to everyone in my life, so if I have done something that has hurt you, upset you, made your life unhappy in some manner, Im sorry.

I have lost a lot in my life that matters this year, and a majority of it is attributed to my own doing (not all, but most, the personal things mainly).

You know it's funny. The one thing that has been a constant fear in my life, is a life that is lived completely alone. And I have realized that through my own actions, words, what have you, I have created for myself this exact scenario, that I feared the most. I am alone, in practically every facet.  

I'm trying to figure some things out for myself, trying to figure out how to make myself happy, and to be blunt, I simply do not know how to do it. Call me confused, call me whatever you want (some of you already have choice words about me, I'm sure, and you have every right to).

Now please don't get me wrong. I am not asking for help from anyone for this. I created this for myself, and it is up to me to get myself out of it. Somehow, I will.

I guess in some manner you could say I am under construction for now, disappearing in a way (not like this is anything new, Ive done it before for varying lengths of time). Not sure when I will be back, or if I will be back at all.

So to everyone, who I know, dont know, met, havent met, I wish you all love, laughter, success, and music.


Thursday, November 28, 2013

November 28, 2013

Today, in the US, is Thanksgiving day. It is a day to "give thanks".

As I sit here, at 6:38AM [CT] on this chilly Chicago morning, I listen to the quiet. I went out on my back porch and listened to the leaves rustle in the wind. I watched the tree limbs sway, felt the cool, crisp air on my face and began what I do every morning,  reflect.

Every morning, I take my dog outside, and I have my "quiet reflection time". Today was different, though. My Foxy is in the kennel, so it was just me. I thought about what I needed to get accomplished this morning, and because of todays holiday "theme" I began to think of what it is to truly give thanks.

In my life I have been through a lot. Happiness, success, failure, sickness, the passing of loved ones, the whole gamut of emotions someone can experience. As I sat in the cold air, I realized I am thankful for every single experience I have had. It makes me who I am today.

There are so many times in life that you hear the expression "It could be worse, you could have it much much worse" and while that is very true, I imagine there is someone out there, reflecting just as I am, thinking the same thing as I, who doesn't have a job, who doesn't make the money I make. Who doesn't have the things I have, and yet they are still thankful.

I guess what this all boils down to, is that I am thankful for everything. My family, my dog, my friends, my job, my home, my parents...I'm thankful for life. It has been the greatest teacher I have ever, and will ever have, the hardest punisher, the most entertaining show, and the most love I have ever experienced. I am thankful for every person who has been, and every person who is, a part of my life (even those who have hurt me horribly). I am thankful for music, that which drives me, and makes me feel something, anything. I am thankful for every experience, the good ones and the bad ones.

I am thankful to wake each morning, and experience this thing called "life". Every day is something different, every day is a chance to learn something new, make a new friend, build on who you are as a person, and I look forward to every day that comes my way.

And lastly, and possibly most importantly, I am thankful for you, reading this.

So today, while doing whatever you do, have a very HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

Monday, June 18, 2012

June 2012

We walk through life day by day, waking each morning with different feelings. It's no secret that over the past 3 years, my life has been troubled. Obstacles, pain, loss haunted me. Some caused by my own means. I have learned from a lot of it. But here I sit, in a dark apartment. Only the light from my laptop screen glowing as I type this.

Lately I have been doing a lot of introspective thinking, about my life, about what it amounts to. Thinking about what really truly matters to me. It's easy to spout off material possessions that we want to own, but at the end of the day, you can't take it with you when your clock stops ticking. To be honest, the material things, the extravagances, the luxuries of life are things that never really phased me. No, when I lay my head down at night, what I want more than anything in the world is love. To have a family, to be happy.

They always say if there is something you don't like about yourself or your life it is up to you to change it. I agree with this sentiment for the most part. But the one little part of life that no one ever really can tell you about is, no matter what, there are elements that you can not ever factor in, that affect the outcome of everything.

Now I have always been one to roll with the punches for the most part. Sometimes I dig my heels in, and sometimes, I am so stubborn and bull-headed that I make things more difficult for myself than they need to be.  I recognize this, and I am foolish to think that I will never be stubborn again.

Let's take a look at my life. I go to concerts, I indulge myself with music at most times. I have some friends I keep close, and to those few you make me smile with my entire body and soul. But the number of those people seem to be diminishing. Trust is a luxury that is becoming a bit to expensive as of late. Then it hit me, to the core. I will make myself happy.

The question now, is how.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Maybe it's time to take a different approach...

Ok, it's time to be honest with myself.

I've had battles with my weight most of my life. There was only one time in my life where my perseverance was paying off, I was losing weight the right way. It was back in 2002. I was not deterred from going to the gym, working out, eating right.

Then I hit a plateau at around the beginning of 2003. It still didn't stop me. I kept going.

Then my dad got sick, and passed, and for some reason, all of my emotions got in the way of everything else. I let everything get in the way of ME. Year after year, the same thing... some emotional thing would affect me, some health thing, and I would stall or make excuses. NO MORE EXCUSES.

The past couple of days, I have been noticing more aches and pains than I normally have. I actually caught myself, moving and reacting like my mom was twords the end.

WAKE UP CALL... I'm headed for an early grave if I do not do anything NOW.

I'm going to be starting a second blog. Not sure of the name yet, But I will do (hopefully) daily updates on how I am doing.

No longer am I looking for the magic pill to take off the rest of my weight. I will not be doing weight-loss surgery. I'm going to do it the way I need to do it. Exercise and watching what I eat.

The missing link that I didn't do before, I'm going to work out on the inside as well. It's time to build up my esteem, how I think about myself. MY WANTS, MY NEEDS.

When I have the new blog set up I will link to it.

Life isn't a sprint, it's a marathon.... and it's time for me to start training and going through it, not watching it pass me by.

I'd say wish me luck, but that would indicate that I don't believe in myself. But now, I actually DO believe in myself.

Talk Hard!

Monday, April 11, 2011


The radio show is going good, as far as I can tell. I have fun doing it. My co-host is insanely brilliant when it comes to his musical knowledge, and I am thankful that I am learning about different types of music from him.

I'm still looking for the new residence, Ive broadened my options to that of condo's, but its not my first choice.

I have also somewhat sunk back into a cocoon, other than the things that I *HAVE* to do.

I am going to be doing a walk raising money for finding a cure for ovarian cancer

You can donate/sponsor me here
and yes it can be anonymous.

Getting to the meaning behind the title of this little scribing. Did you ever feel like you aren't real? Like you second guess yourself? Don't get me wrong, I know everyone second guesses themselves all the time, and I am not so naive or self-important to think that I am the only one going through these feelings. I just hate when I get like this.

Im not only second guessing myself, I am second guessing everything I know. So for my friends, Im not alienating you (at least I am not trying to). And to be honest, I feel horrible about a lot of things lately.

The Tool song Stinkfist comes to mind for me lately. Check out the awesome video for it.

"It's not enough, I need more, nothing seems to satisfy-I don't want it, I just need it, to breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive"

There are so many ways that those lyrics can be interpreted. You could say its about someone who is done with their current station in life. It could also be interpreted as a love song. As for me, its purely the former.

I'm purely impatient, to the point that I am annoying even myself, and the last thing I want to do is subject anyone to that.

I just want to feel like me again